Why Shuichi Cries
by Citrine Rain
Summary: The real reason behind Shuichi's constant crying fits. one shot


Shuichi's Dilemma

"Mmmm Yuki that was so good."

He looks up at me with those beautiful gold eyes.

"I'm impressed baka." He says. "You actually held out longer."

My sweaty body settles atop of him. I had just experienced another moment of sweet pleasure with the man I love the most in the world. I never thought I could experience anything as wonderful as being in love. But when I am with Yuki, whether in bed or just in the same room as him, even when he is cranky and calling me names, there is no one else I want to be with in this world.

I rub his face with my hand pulling strands of sticky blonde hair off his damp forehead.

"Ashiteru Yuki." I say longingly.

Yuki's glance drops away from mine.

"I know. Now get off me, your giving me a leg cramp."

I slide off of Yuki and wrap my arms around his chest and place my head on his heart.

"Don't you love me too?" I ask.

He doesn't answer. I listen to his slow heartbeat and take in his wonderful scent. The scent of sweat and faded cologne. I circle my fingers on his skin.

"Yuki?"

"Be quiet I am trying to sleep!"

He shifts over onto his side. He is more comfortable that way or on his stomach. I really was hoping he would answer my question. But I knew he wouldn't give me one. I want to cry, but I fight off the water forming in my eyes. It hurts that he won't tell me that he loves me, but now I am starting to think that's not why I want to cry. Its more than just wanting to hear him say those words. But I try not to think about it. I just pull the sheets over us and I wrap my arms once again around him, nuzzle my head in the crook of his neck and fall asleep.

A few hours later…

"No Yuki, no please!"

My arms are moving and something is causing my head to bob. Its pitch black in here.

"God, no, I am so sorry Yuki! Please get up!"

He's moving, shaking. I lean up.

"Sensei forgive me!"

I watch and listen to the little cries, hoarse whispers, and an aching body trying to fight off its demons. I reach over and touch him. He flinches.

"Yuki…"

"Ahhh…no…what have I done?"

He is sweating even more. Normally he sweats when we make love, but this time, its cold, clammy. I reach out to him and gently turn him onto his back. His face is scrunched with fear, his hands are gently moving. I reach out and hold them in mine.

"Yuki…it;s alright." I whisper.

"Make it go away!" He cries.

I stroke his hair and gently try to shake him awake.

"Its okay Yuki, come back to me." I say.

I kiss his lips and his eyes shoot open. The amber iris's are wild, terrified.

"Wha…what happened?" He asks.

"It's alright Yuki, it's all over." I take him into my arms and rock him. He clings to me and buries his face in my bare chest wetting it with tears he is trying to fight off. I stroke his hair and feel the tears flow to my own eyes.

"Shhh." I stroke his hair. "Its all over, all gone."

"He's gone too." He whispers trying hard to stop himself from shaking.

"Its alright Yuki." I cry. I can't help myself. A lot of people think that I cry because I am just overly sensitive, which is true. But when I am with Yuki, I cry. I cover it up with some stupid reason that makes Yuki bop me on the head and call me an idiot. But I can't bring myself to say the real reason. The man I love is a murderer. He took a life that tried to hurt him, someone he loved with all his heart. And in one night that beautiful heart, those once sparkling eyes, and shy smile of a happy sixteen year old boy vanished. Replaced with this cold, scared, angry man. I weep for the tortured soul in my arms. A little boy trapped in an adult's body. He wants love, I know it. But he is terrified to have it. He doesn't think he deserves it which is the farthest from the truth.

"Why won't it go away Shuichi?" He mumbles in my chest.

I just hold him. I don't have any answers to his questions. I never know what to say. All I can do is hold him and give him every ounce of love I can, even though he fights it. But I love him with all my heart and soul. I would walk through fire for this man. If I had the power I would do everything I can to make the bad memories go away. But all I can do is hold him until he calms down and goes back to sleep again waiting for another day where he will work himself to death seeing life through a dark veil of anger and fear. treating everyone and everything like they are just a nuisance in his all too busy life. But in the end, it's just an act, a ploy to fight off the demons. That's why I still come home to him. That is why I love him so much. That is why he won't say he loves me.

That is why I cry.


End file.
